Co-parenting is HARD. Once you get through the rocky times of your marriage you are then left with the facts. Not only has your marriage fallen apart, but now everything about your life is going to change. One of the biggest changes is that you no longer have your child or children with you at all times. That’s been the hardest part for me, realizing that I won’t have my daughter all of the time anymore. The other hard part has been figuring out co-parenting.
When relationships fall apart, at least in my experience, it seems like a score board is kept and every time an argument or a disagreement comes up, something from that score board is brought up.
Bringing up the past only results in one thing, further disconnect. That disconnects leads to more arguments, more resentment and the ability to communicate just disintegrates. I shifted from focusing on the past to only focusing on what’s here and now. In doing that, I’ve been able to be a more present mom and also I have found a lot more peace.
The End of The Marriage
The last year of my relationship with my husband was HEAVY. Some really terrible things happened, respect went out the window and we all endured it, even our daughter. What I’ve learned from it all is that nothing changes unless something changes. For us, that change was time apart, a separation, to break the cycle. That’s what we needed.
Now, this isn’t a fairytale, time apart didn’t heal all the wounds, it just gave us each space to work on forgiveness and to dive deep within ourselves to see things clearer and decide if we both still really wanted this marriage. Ultimately, we decided to get a divorce.
However, this decision is allowing us both to be as present as we want to be in our daughter’s life without the heaviness of the relationship. What the relationship had turned into was a distraction, a ball of energy that was so negative that it was hard to just show up and show love to our daughter when we were together.
What this decision has allowed is for us to respect each other where we are at, to communicate from a place of love, without expectations. It’s allowed us to return to being friends, when we had lost that friendship years ago.
The Beginning of Co-parenting
Now, co-parenting has begun. It’s a work in progress. It’s not easy.
We still want to parent together, still show our daughter a united front, just from two separate homes. Our egos have been put aside, or at least we are working on that and we are making every decision for her.
Letting go of the years of resentment that have built up is challenging for both of us. We didn’t set a good example for our daughter when we were together, but we are both striving to do it now that we aren’t. Our goal is that she’ll still see a loving relationship, so the ending of this marriage won’t affect her more than it already will.
My advice for anyone going through a divorce and co-parenting: regardless of how your partner acts, always show love, regain love for yourself and work on your own fulfillment and your own peace. No matter how your ex shows up, no matter what comments they have, you are in control of you and your reactions.
Also, life is not perfect, you will have slip ups, your kids may see them. Don’t beat yourself up, at least not for long, just learn and grow