Everyone knows marriage is hard work. I wasn’t blind to that when I married Adam.
My mom had been divorced twice before and two of my older sisters had been through a divorce. I think the statistics used to be 50/50 but now I think it’s even greater than that with divorce in the lead.
I think what I was blind to was that it could happen to me.
I remember at one of my sister’s weddings, my parents brought their coffee pot to use for the after dinner coffee for the guests. The coffee had to be run non stop to keep up with everyone. My dad said, the next time one of you gets married, I want to get a bigger coffee pot.
Only thing was, all of his daughters were married. I thought it was the weirdest thing to say. The next time?? What is he talking about. No one is going to get married again.
That’s how far from my mind divorce was, even though I would bring it up during huge fights, when I was so tired of the constant battling. I now realize how damaging that was to our marriage. But even then, actually getting a divorce didn’t cross my mind.
My husband and I tried to have a child for almost 2 years. During those 2 years, the stress of conceiving got to us both. Sex became robotic, there was no passion anymore. Then, I got pregnant and we were both thrilled. We pulled together during the pregnancy, even though our marriage wasn’t perfect.
We talked about so many things we were excited about and sat on the couch every night feeling her kick together. Where we messed up is we didn’t ask the big questions. How are you when you are sleep deprived? How do we make sure we are both being taken care of? How do we do this together to make sure we are being the best, most supportive partners to one another?
Then our beautiful girl was born and we were in bliss. But not long after, with the lack of sleep, the wedge that had already been between us only grew. I was lost in postpartum. I had no desire to be touched, I was overwhelmed with being touched at the end of the day and that left no space for Adam.
That just further pulled us apart and things just escalated. The battles continued and the respect for one another diminished.
My husband and I separated shortly after my daughter turned one. We spent the next year trying to fall back in love, trying to be friends again, trying to make it work for our daughter. We went to counseling. It was too late. Too much damage had been done, too much time had passed. We didn’t make sure to take care of our marriage years before and it was just too late.
There are so many negative connotations around divorce. So many people think it can be saved if both people try, but sometimes it can’t. No matter how much effort is made. Sometimes it just doesn’t work.
We decided the best thing for our daughter is to be divorced, so we can both show up better, so we can both show her what a good relationship looks like.
So now I’m a full time, single mom and I’m grateful for every second. My daughter is the best thing that came out of my marriage and I wouldn’t change anything.
I know life is bumpy and rough and sometimes you just have to hold on tight to get through some of it. Everyone has something that’s happened that puts them down a completely different track and this is mine.
If anyone reading this has also been through a divorce then you know the ache that comes with that journey and hopefully you also know the beautiful new beginning that it also unfolds.